Some conversations recently have reinforced the need to be wise about which voices we heed.

While the voice we hear most is our own, we do also pay attention to what others say and think about us. Some of us find support and encouragement as we replay the compliments and remarks people make about us. Others of us tend to replay other voices, those which tell us what we’ve done wrong, how we’re not good enough.

None of us are perfect. We all do things well and could improve in other areas. However, we tend to have a pattern in the way we focus on the positive or negative comments which come our way. We can develop the habit of hearing one type of comment much louder than another.

Some dismiss the compliment and encouraging remark, finding unbelievable, judging the comment to be insincere or mistaken. At the same time, as soon as something harsh is said, it is taken right to heart. Not only that, but it is then replayed ad nauseum in our minds. Those who do this literally die a thousand deaths while replaying the hurt which has come their way.

Others only hear the compliments, developing an unbalanced view of life and their own competence. These people are unable to hear wisdom when it is uttered if it doesn’t conform to their view of reality and themselves.

A wise person will learn the skills of hearing feedback. Not all feedback is useful, we need to learn what to take on board and what to reject.

Surrounding ourselves with “yes men” does not lead to growth. No one will tell us what we need to know, only what they think we want to know. Therefore all those areas for growth go unremarked.

Paying heed to the negative voices leads to a life lacking in warmth, enjoyment and pleasure. The world quickly becomes a dark pit where the sun never shines.

Some people in our lives are more significant than others—our partners, family and close friends; those in authority over us. We need to recognise that even these voices need to be weighed and responded to with wisdom.

We need to learn the skill of hearing feedback with our heads, giving it with our hearts. If we hear the feedback with our heads, it doesn’t have the same ability to wound as it does if we send it direct to the heart. This is simple to say, not that easy to do. I can remember someone who knew that the feedback they were to give me saying, “Hear this with your head”. It took days for me to be able to process it with my head—my heart was too busy being devastated.

Like all areas of wisdom, this needs constant practice and monitoring. Ask your coach how you’re going at giving and receiving feedback, and what things you can do to improve in this area.