Some things about us are fairly fixed from the moment of conception, others we have opportunity to change. Thankfully, emotional intelligence (EQ) is one of those things in which we can grow throughout our lives.

Many things about us are fixed, particularly those things set by our genetics. Our looks, our eye colour, our predisposition to certain diseases, many things about us we just have to live with.

Sometimes we can change some of the cosmetic or surface stuff, we can wear contacts to change eye colour, dye our hair, or have surgery to change ourselves. However, the deep stuff, a vulnerability to diabetes, a family history of arthritis, many things we cannot change.

Sometimes it can feel the same when it comes to personal traits, to character and interpersonal issues. Sometimes we can despair and surrender to what seems to be the “inevitable” repeated relationship failures, blunders or faux pas we seem to regularly commit.

The good news is that EQ is not fixed at birth. In fact, we can grow better at self-knowledge and interpersonal relationships throughout the rest of our lives. Even if we may not have had the best role models in our early years, even if we have made what seems to be more than our fair share of mistakes in these areas, everyone can grow, can develop skills, can improve.

While EQ is often linked with maturity, simply growing old does not mean you are emotionally intelligent. However, if you learn from others and particularly if you learn from your mistakes, then as you grow in wisdom, you should also find you grow in your EQ.

No, it doesn’t just happen, but if you start developing the basics of emotional intelligence, particularly in the ability to identify and then manage your own emotional states, you will find that your ability to recognise and respond appropriately to the emotional states of other people, and your ability to handle relationships will also increase.

Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ, identifies five “domains” of emotional intelligence which build on each other:

1. Knowing one’s emotions
2. Managing one’s emotions
3. Motivating oneself
4. Recognising emotions in others
5. Handling relationships

If you get the first few sorted out, then the rest follow.